Just calling to

let you know that your ass looks fabulous in those jeans.

Have you lost weight? Been working out? Yeah, you can really tell.

You know, you’re one of those people who can be TOO good-looking when you really put it on, but I think you’ve tempered it nicely so it’s obvious that you’re still the most attractive person in the room without making everyone else feel bad. That’s why everyone likes you, I think. Biting into your personality is like eating an awesomeness sandwich.

And not to get too personal, but your breasts, vagina and/or penis? The finest I’ve seen. I mean, I’ve seen some nipples in my time but yours should be in The Museum of Nipple Perfection. No, it’s a real place; I looked it up.

I can only imagine what making love to you would be like, so I did. Multiple orgasms.

I know you probably get this a lot, but you really are the finest human being anywhere, ever. Some people will just buy their friends a coffee, but when you buy someone a coffee, you make sure it’s the kind that doesn’t kill the dolphins in the forest and that kind of thing. That’s why you’re my hero.

Yeah, I should probably go. I have some stuff to do. No, YOU have an amazing day.

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