Monday, January 31, 2011
But he’s got
me to keep him safe now, and because he’s building trust and respect with me, his pack leader, because he’s learning that I’ll protect him if someone tries to hurt him, he can do anything. He’s free because he’s safe.
The tricky part about being human is that you have to be your own pack leader. You have to know that you can keep yourself safe, stand over your own emotional center of gravity and stay stable but responsive.
When you’ve got that, you can open yourself back up to new experiences, without fear, without reservation, trusting that if you fall, you’ll be safe. You’ve got YOU to protect you.
in my dream
it was still us, but it was as if we were having sex with each other for the first time. but we also weren’t. we were performing it as such; it didn’t make it any less tender—every bit of flesh exposed was precious and not an inch was left that wasn’t kissed or held tenderly like a baby. i like it like that, every time i’ve had it like that.
do you know what i mean? silly but so sweet—faces and noses like the birth and death of the dinosaurs.
i like to keep my hands on his chest and when he leans into me they bend past their flexing point. we rolled around until i was in extended child’s pose and for some reason my eyes flooded with tears and they streamed up my face rather than down. my emotions sometimes work inwards out or outwards in—i don’t know how it’s determined, or when i am porous vs impermeable. what seeds i plant and which ones i sow even though i know that they will kill me inside.
these were the questions we asked, i asked, with one foot on the ground always.
i keep doing that thing where i am walking and walking and i look at every person as if they are a stranger. and then some time later i realize, ah, i knew that boy once, and now i can look into his eyes and see absolutely nothing that feels familiar. and then sometimes i look at a person and smile and realize some time later that we are foreign to one another.
i don’t know how i got like that. i don’t know if there’s something functioning inside of me like an unpredictable switch, or if this just comes with the territory of learning myself.
he knew me once too. i cannot bear to think that he feels the same cold when he looks at me.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
I think though,
keep your finger out of it for now, or — if she's reeeeally into the first part — after a little while of that you can ask if she likes Digital Underground, and then if she's like "Humpty Dance?" you can be like "I want to stick my finger in your ass," 'cause she definitely didn't get the joke, and you want to be sure before you tickle someone's ivories (I don't even know, anymore, what we're talking about) that they know what you're about to do and are on board with it. Because, penetration, you know? I mean, do you want a chick to stick her finger up your ass without making sure that's something you're into first? Also, I am 100% asking you that question, please someone answer that question! But (butt) yeah, I think if you just ease into it, give her a chance to communicate in one way or another that she's into it or not, and then go with that, then you're all set.
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Telling women they
should be happy to fuck you based on statistical data wasn't helping anyone get it wet, so fortunately a passive-aggressive study came out recently to help women help themselves, helpfully. A study that tells us why successful, professionally inclined women might have a hard time trying to date hot successful guys and why they should settle for unattractive nerds who feel entitled to desirable girlfriends despite possessing nothing desirable in any way themselves.
here
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here
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When you start
to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.
Lisa Unger
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Lisa Unger
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When I am
lonely for boys it’s their bodies I miss. I study their hands lifting the cigarettes in the darkness of the movie theaters, the slope of a shoulder, the angle of a hip. Looking at them sideways, I examine them in different lights. My love for them is visual: that is the part of them I would like to possess. Don’t move, I think. Stay like that, let me have that.
Margaret Atwood
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Margaret Atwood
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Thursday, January 27, 2011
True feminism seeks
not to make women the equals of men within an exploitative system, but to liberate both sexes from oppression.
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Gemma also wondered
in her note to me whether her “feminism is undermined by [her] thoughts on [her] own body”. I don’t think that’s the case at all. If anything, her experience with navigating this issue probably only strengthens and enhances her feminist beliefs, because it gives her a way of applying what she might have only understood in the abstract. There’s so much pressure to look a certain way that even a professed feminist buckles under the weight. And have you ever read an interview with an aging actress on her career prospects? It’s incredibly sad how even genetically blessed people feel like they have their entire life’s work riding on such superficial criteria. But while women universally struggle with issues like weight and aging, few realize that they’re not alone in having these kinds of body-negative thoughts. Which is why I’m admitting now that I’m pretty much as susceptible to these messages as you are. Sadly, body image is an all-too-relatable example of how the personal is very much the political.
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Monday, January 24, 2011
The biggest heartaches
in my life have all been because I wanted people to love me more than they were willing or able to. People are not perfect. They will sometimes take your love and give nothing back or, worse yet, use it against you. But they are still all there is. Loving one another is our only reason for being.
Dolly Parton
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Dolly Parton
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Sunday, January 23, 2011
I do, however,
have the following disclaimer: given all the work I’ve done debunking the concept of virginity and arguing for a more inclusive stance toward sexuality, I’m conflicted about the entire idea of a “number” in the first place. I’ve never believed that it makes much sense to privilege vaginal intercourse over other types of sexual acts, especially since that discounts the experiences of those who diverge from the heterosexual norm. (And as illustrated by the story of Carlin Ross, another subject in Marie Claire, not everyone who does diverge necessarily identifies as gay or bisexual, but may nonetheless view same-sex encounters as equally satisfying and formative experiences.) So while being honest about our “number” might be a good start toward becoming comfortable with our sexuality, I think it’s wiser to encourage women to talk more openly about their sexual histories in general, whether or not the acts involved include that narrow yet murky concept of “sex”.
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Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I find the
marketing and publicity around this shoot to be the issue at hand. To decide that you want to engage in any particular sex act for the first time in a way that you will find really enjoyable is sex positive. There is no inherent exploitation involved in filming it and for some of us that just adds to the experience. When I read, “We strive each and every day to bring the best possible content to our customers and sacrificing Nikki’s innocence is in perfect alignment with what our fans expect and deserve,” I feel that the sex positive message is lost. That same sentence also reminds us that commercial value is of a much higher importance than sex positivity. For most porn sites that comes as no surprise. The only reason that a lot of people are speaking up about this has to do with the expressed mission statement to, “…demystify and celebrate alternative sexualities by providing the most ethical and authentic kinky adult entertainment.” In this case, sexuality is not being demystified; it is being further obscured. It does not celebrate alternative sexualities because it so very deeply phallocentric and heteronormative.
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Tuesday, January 11, 2011
They’re wrong.
They’re so wrong I think they must be blinkered or stupid or deliberately misunderstanding. What does Cesar say about 50 time per show? Calm, assertive energy. Calm energy is, by definition, NOT adrenaline energy. Morons.
No, not morons. They just see the world the way they see it, and anything that fails to fit into that view must be wrong or impossible. So not morons, just… stuck. And judging.
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No, not morons. They just see the world the way they see it, and anything that fails to fit into that view must be wrong or impossible. So not morons, just… stuck. And judging.
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Monday, January 10, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
But being a
friendly queer isn’t radical. It reinforces the idea that queer voices are only worthy of being listened to if they cater to heterosexual sensibilities. If we clip our wings and don’t talk too much about sex and grovel and beg for attention. If we never make mistakes and never push too hard and try to avoid argument and discord. If we disconnect our desire for civil rights from our right to modify and adorn our bodies in culturally meaningful ways, if we separate our sexual orientation from our sexual behavior, and if we never write about sex. If we never compare the way we fuck to the way you make love. But we’re up to our eyelids in sexless jesters and theoretical queers and Heterogenomy. It is time to put the sexual back in sexual minority. It is time to be The Unfriendly Queer.
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This phobia has
ironically given women one unexpected, if meagre, weapon in their struggle to maintain a semblance of sexual autonomy: "The Trick". I learned about it at a college lecture I gave a few years ago. A student in the audience started talking about "The Trick" as if everyone knew what it is. And, in fact, most of the other women nodded their understanding and familiarity with the practice. Well, it turns out that women who want to avoid sex on a particular night out purposely don't shave or wax beforehand, so that they will feel too embarrassed to participate in casual sex. When I asked them why they couldn't just say no to sex, they informed me that saying no was too difficult, given the pressure to have sex, so they pulled "The Trick" on the guy. Of course, "The Trick" really demonstrates just how little sexual autonomy and control the porn culture affords young women.
here
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It isn't just
girls and women who should be angry about this cavalier attitude to public safety. I wonder how men would feel if the entire male population was periodically advised to stay home between dusk and dawn if they want to avoid being murdered? Such advice is more than an imposition; it's an outrage.
here
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here
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Sunday, January 2, 2011
Best of 2010
1. Blair - Die Young
2. Beth Thornley - Wash U Clean
3. Young Heretics - We Are the Lost Loves
4. Warpaint - The Fool
5. Thrushes - Night Falls
6. Marina and the Diamonds - The Family Jewels
7. Fight Like Apes - The Body of Christ and the Legs of Tina Turner
8. Uffie - Sex, Dreams and Denim Jeans
9. Shrag - Life! Death! Prizes!
10. Sleigh Bells - Treats
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