Frances Boldereff

Charles—

You said in Tarrytown that no man can endure absolutely alone no matter how strong he is and I agreed.

You saw the elephant in the zoo and you can describe that torture to me as a dance—I understand how you admire those graceful strong creatures—but zoos are places of torture, symbols of man’s blindness, and that you could bear to watch that white eye and not falter, is the explanation of how you can treat me in such a blind way.

The human thing is made of blood. Sometimes what is needed is not words—it is the sight of a human eye. I need no sex now—I am far too torn for that. I do need you.

If you cannot come to me now Charles when I need you not out of weakness like all the others you mention—not out of lack of strength (I curse the hour which taught me my terrible strength) but because I need human—I need to see the eye—the words are just like thin odorless water to me—who is not a salmon but a woman.

If you cannot come Charles I want you to spell out at once without delay for any reason whatsoever—why—I want spelled out for me in ABC language why you can’t come.
I need you.

I will never again have such need—and that is an accurate statement—it is not hysteria. I want to know in all details—all details exactly why you do not move to me now.

If my faith were not so deep—I would simply leave you, because I am proud and I hate to beg. I want to have written out for me in childish language what do you mean by “hold”—you are not holding anything for me—you are destroying deep precious knit cells in my body and my spirit.

So what does it mean? It is the most deep thing of faith Charles that I am willing to ever ask you—

I crucified myself to write that Easter letter. God knows I did. And I am now in extremis.

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